“Sometimes, I’d eat my words secretly at night, and then vomit later to hide my habit,” tragic LibDemDEpPM admits
Clegg…makes everyone sick, including himself
During a broadcast on HillsboroughFM this
morning, the Coalition’s man with nothing on his his hands except blood
confessed during a constituent phone-in that he compulsively eats his
words every night before going to bed. The Slog has secretly obtained a
previously unheard transcript of the broadcast (except for seven
listeners at 3.27 am today) which I’m sure you’ll agree is absolute
dynamite:
Edna: Oh hello Nick I’m a great admirer of
yours and I just wondered if you’re blocking the Government’s childcare
reforms to try and fend off a leadership challenge from Vince Cable.
Cleggie: Well Edna, as you know I always try
to give a straight answer to a straight question so yes, you’re right,
I’ve been living through a Hell of bulimia ever since I joined the
Cameron Coalition with such great reluctance in May 2010.
You’ve no idea
what it’s like, covering the duvet with regurgitated streams of
consonants each and every night but my wife is standing by me, and I’m
sure when all the facts are known then people will reassess me as a
person, because you see I’ve told Conservatives that I’ll block
government reforms to adult-child ratio limits on the grounds that the
ratio of perverts to poor children could have funding consequences for
the government’s entire childcare package and that’s why we Liberal
Democrats believe that when all those people are deciding which name to
put a cross by on 2 May, ultimately they’ll be asking themselves the
same question: ‘While cuts are being made to public spending, who can I
rely on to spend the money that is available on the right things?’”
Edna: Er…but it’s 11 May now Nick, and the LibDems got a hammering in the local elections…
Cleggie: Exactly my point Edna, and that’s
why the result made my bulimia even worse because I had even more words
to eat afterwards, you’ve no idea how cruel the electorate can be at
times but my shoulders are broad and this isn’t a popularity contest
well actually it is but let’s not go there.
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